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Death @ Central Park

December 4, 2011

 

The winter had started setting in. The morning wind had a chill. Riding the bike from my flat to the Central Park, in shorts and half tee shirts made me feel that now I should get a pair of track suits and a pullover. It was, however, unusually calm or there was something in my mind which made me feel like that. On way I saw a person feeding grains to pigeons near Statue Circle, at the designated place to feed the birds. A smile came to my heart and transcended to my face with the simplicity of things. I reminded myself that I am thinking of getting some grains for last a few days to feed to the pigeons as well. But at the same time remorse ran through my heart that I should not forget it tomorrow.

 

Reached Park. Parked Bike. I hung my helmet on the rod of rear view mirror on the bike’s handle.

 

Soon I hit the jogging track, started briskly and then after a few hundred meters’ run moderated my speed thinking of long run ahead. Starting from main entrance of Central Park, I take a westward run; most of the jogging track is on the periphery of the golf course.

 

Saw all the known faces except a few of the new faces.

 

Many times while running I try to observe other people and try to decipher from their faces what might be beneath the person’s face and what might be happening in his or her life. Unable to do so, I weave my own stories of them.  I think whether this person might be worried about his son’s carrier? Whether this person might be having some health problem in his family? Sometimes seeing a happy couple walking together, I think about blissful life they are having and I wonder whether they had a love marriage or an arranged one. And one day seeing a joyous guy in his twenties, I wondered whether this ecstasy in his face is because his love has been accepted by his beloved. I felt nice thinking of that, as I always have felt whenever I see two people in love. All these thoughts help me in another way as well, they distract my thought from my exhaustion and the pain in my legs during my run.

 

Coming back to the tracks again, I had crossed almost half way through, that’s my assumptions as there are no continuous distance marks on the jogging tracks. Suddenly, I felt as if my body has become quite heavy. Still I continued. Earlier also on a few occasions I had felt this heaviness, but despite that I had finished my run and even had a good exercise post my run too.  So thinking of that I continued and persisted with my run. And after some 50-100 meters run again I was feeling light and on my full energy. But oh again what is this happening, I was feeling a mild pain in my heart. I had never felt this, or let me remember, may be once or twice only I had felt like this, but never bothered to care about the same. Whether this is because these days I am thinking too much about too many things? I still continued after this also thinking that there may not be anything serious.

 

I continued; now sun was rising behind me. A big red spherical sun. The sun was as big as it could be. I was approaching completion of my lap. Then suddenly I felt a strong sense of trance and my head started spinning.

 

Collapsed…!! Yeah, I had collapsed….!!!

 

“No, this is not possible,” I mumbled to myself.

 

“I am not going to die,” again I reiterated to myself.

 

I tried breathing hard; Unable; Chocking; something in my heart was blocking the circulation of blood, even though my lung tried its best to pump in the air.

 

People had gathered around me. Astonishment writ large on their faces…!

 

“Clear, clear some space, let the air flow-in, don’t crowd around him, it will be suffocating,” one of the persons from the crowd said, almost yelling. “Make some room.” He screamed again.

 

“Let me see, let me see, I am a doctor,” one of the persons in his forties having sweat beads on his face said.

 

“Chances are thin,” the person, supposedly a doctor, said after checking my arms and heartbeats.

 

“His heart is slowing down.” He said again, although with a voice barely audible.

 

“What does that mean?” asked a lady in her bewilderment.

 

“Must be her first live death show,” I thought.

 

My heart was slowing down; oh yes, my heart is also tired just like I get tired after my run. My heart has been racing with this intense speed and always carrying an enormous weight. It has all the right to take a nap, a little bit of rest.

 

“But my heart can’t leave me, I can’t die. I have so many things unfinished. I am only 26. This is not an age to die. That too by heart attack. People won’t believe me dying of heart attack. I maintained a healthy lifestyle. I remained happy.” My mind was inundated with all the questions.

 

“I remained happy.” A voice somewhere within me echoed. Then I realised, I was not 100% true to myself. I remained happy, joyous, cheerful, and exultant before others; but somewhere inside me, I had become hollow; I was crumbling. And today I had crumbled. My heart has refused to bear with me. Today it has said “enough is enough.”

 

An ambulance has arrived; people hurriedly put me into the ambulance.

 

“Hurry up, he is becoming cold very fast.” A person who lifted me up told with anxiety mixed fear in his voice.

 

Now I had realised that it’s time to bid adieu to everyone.

 

Pictures started floating in my mind. The three year child who went school crying. The beating I had received from my parents. But, the love that I received was awesome. The deluge of love that I received from my siblings. Their respect and occasional admirations. I wanted to thank them most, I wanted to hug them once before leaving, I want to atleast see them once. I wanted to say them sorry for I could never become as good a son or a brother that I wanted to be.

 

I remembered the “me” that was once innocent, but somewhere in between that innocence was robbed off from me. I missed that innocence in me.

 

I remembered my childhood friends, my friends from college and so many of others who meant so much in my life and who made my life what it has become. I learnt from many of them what unconditional means. What unconditional love means. What unconditional friendship means. What unconditional giving means. I wanted to thank all of them, many of them or atleast one of them. But I don’t have even a single person known to me before me.

 

Before I left, I wanted to say someone how much I loved her. Thinking of her my heart rejoiced and sank at the same time, the thought that I will be parting from her made me worse. Nothing I wanted. Only thing I wanted was that I would be able to tell her that how much I loved her. People may think of me as an eccentric but this eccentric has a heart with all the love in the world that I wanted to share with her. Oh God, why words are not coming to me so that I can express my feelings for her. At this time when my heart is failing me, least that I want is my words to be with me. I din’t want my love to be reciprocated but atleast I could have told her that how much I loved her.

 

I now started visualising things post my death.

 

In the meantime, when I was dying, people tried to find out who I was. Today, I had forgotten my mobile at my flat or to be fair had intentionally left. I was continuously getting irritated by this mobile. It’s in silent mode since long and sometime simply I turned it off or kept it somewhere where I was simply cut off from the world. I didn’t have anything else in my pocket which could identify me. Someone found out my bike’s keys from my pocket. They found out the insurance papers from my bike. They found out my name. They found out my Mangalore office’s address. They found out the phone number of my Mangalore office from my bank’s website. And the news of my death was first given to my favourite boss. He was shocked beyond imagination. He loved me, I knew that for sure. He was sad hearing the news. He informed about the news to other persons in my Jaipur Office. My friends reached the hospital. They were shocked and sad. In between news of my death was conveyed to my family (and I am pained by that most, I know however bad I was, they thought I was best son/brother of the world).

 

Two minutes silence was observed in my office in memory of the departed soul. People conveyed their sadness and grief in the meet. And then business as usual. Life never stops for death, I realised. A mail was sent to the employees of my organisation. Some mails were received back saying good words about me. That’s usual, no one says bad about dead person.

 

My body was packed in a plastic bag in the hospital. Taken to airport. It was put in the same flight on which my parents were flying. I was planning to soon board my parents on a flight journey, but never ever I had thought that this kind of flight journey they would be taking when their son’s body would be flying on the same flight.

 

And I came to know that life as well as death is most strange. No one would imagine how life will turn up or in what manner death would arrive on our doorsteps. That’s why always live life as if this is the last day of our life. I regret as I was not able to live like that, but I would suggest everyone that they realise that death is waiting at the doorsteps, it may be tomorrow, day after tomorrow or may be after a decade or two but it is surely coming.

 

I would regret not saying people what I wanted to say them. Don’t you do the same. Do what your heart tells. Tell the people you love that how much you love them. Life never gives another chance. Life may give another chance but Death will never.

 

Live life friends…….. This is what I wanted to tell by way of my story of my death.

 

And this was the story of Death @ Central Park. MY DEATH….!!!!

 

कल कलेंडर में जब सुबह होगी

“मैं कहीं नहीं हूँगा

मैं जो ‘हूँ ‘ ‘था’ हो चूका होगा”

-गुलज़ार

 

 

 

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. December 4, 2011 10:24 PM

    no more expectations…….

  2. December 6, 2011 8:06 PM

    Nothing concentrates the mind more than reading about oneself in the past tense”, quipped Christopher Hitchens on discovering that his death had been prematurely announced by the National Portrait Galler.

    And here you are writing about your own death in a detailed narrative manner. Good Job Chandan.. keep writing with your heart. 🙂

    • December 6, 2011 11:19 PM

      thanks for having a look at my post…after a hiatus and hibernation I am back to the world of blogs….this time i wish to continue…….

  3. Sibi permalink
    December 13, 2011 6:40 PM

    Dear…this is the first blog am reading of my friends…I liked it..but one thing to remind you..just imagine your thoughts are accessable to your dear ones like parents, siblings, spouse..kids…etc…and whenever you think about something that are painful to your dear ones..how sad they will feel..atleast for that moment…
    Try to think about things which are good for you and also for your dear ones..try to think about things which can make you and your dear ones..happy…the other side of life..the dark side..you need not think about it..respond to it as and when that happens to you..some people say..just live your day as if that is the last day in your life..and enjoy each and every moment..I agree with the second part of it..but the first part..last day in your life…never think about it…
    These is just my views…

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