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November 3, 2013

I was half asleep but not yet half awake.
You are asking, how?
Yes, it was like that.
You won’t understand.
Why?
Because, you asked, how.

Its like a leaf falling off the tree and floating in air before touching earth. The leaf wasn’t fully dry or yellow. It was still green and as if having life left in it. Was this leaf half asleep?

So, I was half asleep and less in my senses as if in some dream. Not those sort of romantic dreams. Or those frightening dreams, where you are falling in bleak darkness and then suddenly you awake as soon as you are about to hit the ground. You are sweating. You all have experienced that, I am sure eventhough I have never corroborated that by asking anyone.

And then suddenly a sense of hate and disgust towards myself fills me and overwhelmes. Its like you are looking at a beautiful portrait of yourself and that hanging portrait shatters and falls off and a mirror comes out from behind and you see your ugly face. I was not aware of my ugliness till then. I, like all or many of us, have created a cosmetic hollow of beauty around myself behind which my ugliness is hidden from world and from myself as well. I had peeled off my hollow and my ugliness was before me in all its stark nakedness. I was frightened, let me confess.

It was dreadful to face my ugliness. More frightening was the realisation that how can I expect or how could ever I have expected to be loved.

Now I think that peace will slowly descend on me after this realisation. I am at peace with my inner ugliness.

I don’t expect to be praised, admired, adored, loved or even hated. I expect nothing, to say to be more appropriate.

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